In the battle...

I was thinking tonight about how I haven't really been writing lately, and I miss it.. I miss my moments with God and the revelation He pours into me.. I remember those moments thinking I will never get them back, but I know that isn't true. Right now I'm in the battle..

God is so true to His word! When I'm in the battle, all I know is His love, and the mental exhaustion.. But He is true to His word.. He says I will never leave you.. My grace is sufficient! Those things He continues to show me in the fight.. That His Grace is sufficient! This battle is feeling like its taking forever.. and that well maybe I have been fighting long enough.. Like okay God come in and save me now.. God didn't leave me on this earth alone.. He left me with the comforter and counselor..He left His power to win a victorious life.. To run the race to the end.. I am more then a conqueror! I just wish I could not be so fleshly and remember this always. I wish I could just walk around like Jesus all the time, knowing, claiming, and having complete revelation of the Father..

I realize through this battle, that I wish I would just die already! I'm not talking about physically, but I wish that old man in me would seriously croak...

God gave me something to cling to back in May that I have been holding on to and that is that its going to be a really rough ride.. And to hold on to the cross at all moments.. I thought I would of had a few months to kinda just be excited about my transition but Satan was totally on his game.

I started to have a battle inside my own mind.. I have never experienced this type of spiritual warfare and I really shouldn't be surprised but I wasn't ready to say the least. Through this I keep finding Gods grace, love and mercy for me each day. He keeps showing me how much He loves me, but this battle I am ready for it to be won already..

Two weeks ago was probably one of the worst weeks so far.. I know that God is bigger then my own heart. He is bigger then me condemning myself. He is bigger then my battle. He knows the end of it. He knows how long it will last. He knows the good He will work from it, because I do love Him.

Because God is that good, He has been working some on some of the old man inside of me to come out. He will clean that out of me.. He will produce more endurance in me, through long suffering..

I just want that old man to die.. I want to let it go, and never look back.. I want to come back into focus with Him, so that my own mind stops distracting me.. Before, I would always retreat.. You might of notice I would of went off grid, but this time He said don't retreat..

So that is what I will do. I will anchor down and stand in the waves...